Elegy to a Cancer Altar
After my diagnosis we moved West.
I set an altar in our living room
overlooking Lake Crescent.
For over two years I knelt here
staring at an apex of Creation.
Outside waves chewed my pain.
I longed for deep breaths, release of
resistance: pushed aside tears, the buried.
On the pine table I placed
dried sage in an abalone shell,
rattles, a drum, pipe tobacco.
Tools to petition, focus thought
toward Spirit, Inner Self.
Also, gifts of encouragement
in stones, charms, totems.
A leather medicine sac that
held a miracle ice-blue crystal
once curbing the backache
of my friend Ray,
offered to my palms in ceremony
before my bone marrow biopsy.
Another pouch, yarn woven,
contained consecrated eagle ash
bestowed by a half-Cheyenne sister.
I carried this to the Clinic in Rochester
& rubbed animal powder
on the hip that housed a tumor.
Plus, grandmother’s wooden round
case shrouding a silver cross,
a heart-shaped rattle from my doctor,
quartz elephant from a healed client,
prayer beads from my mother.
These symbols of care
formed a semicircle
atop a handsewn table runner
of eight colors, a chakra
rainbow undertow.
Often I touched the tokens
in relieving lamentation,
to sense family and friends,
support constant & surrounding.
And prayed by opening
the Four Directions,
lit bundled sage to smudge
the ions around my feet,
legs & hips,
torso, arms, head.
My energy extended.
I connected to Grandfather above,
Son & Mother, Mary Magdalene,
spiritual helpers. Earth’s wisdom,
elements & nourishment.
And All Relations who fly, crawl,
swim, stand & walk.
My light swelled in company.
I pinched sweet smelling tobacco
between index and thumb,
pierced it with tribute,
appeals for healing,
entreaties for kin,
our floundering civilization.
Then burned all on the shell,
smoke litany to Sky.
These pleas moved within me,
strengthened & blessed
my body, cleansed fear
& internal yelling.
One day, I examined the altar
& knew it was time to dismantle.
Tenderly tucked the keepsakes
into boxes, washed the ash
from the technicolor dream cloth,
folded & laid it in cedar.
Despair has departed these mementoes,
their purport stowed alongside hope,
the emotion now invoked when
I look at Lake Crescent.
I no longer yearned for needles to
fashion fear into sackcloth for tearing.
I no longer sensed my mortality
hung by thread.
I suppose, too, my grief
outgrew the talismans.
The table is spare & clean.
A chapter has concluded,
not the disease.
My blood is the altar
and swims.
Author Laura E. Garrard is also an artist and CranioSacral Therapist on the U.S. Northwest Peninsula, where she enjoys time with nature. Her poem, “Filled to the Brim,” appeared in Amethyst Review’s Thin Places & Sacred Spaces anthology. She is a member of Olympic Peninsula Authors and has received four scholarships from Centrum Writers Conference. Her poetry and prose have been published in journals like Bellevue Literary Review, The Madrona Project, Silver Birch, and TulipTree Review, which recently awarded her a Merit Prize. She writes a cancer poetry series, Poetry That Fits, on Penn Medicine’s OncoLink.org.