I’ve started catching myself
Offering my neck to people,
Stretching my throat muscles,
Slightly raising my chin.
They don’t seem to know what I’m doing.
I’m laying my throat bare,
Hoping to feel the touch of a hand
For an instant of grace
Before I give myself up
To the hard closing fingers.
I am offering my throat to any
Who will take it.
I have remembered
What lies at the base of me,
And even though everything has changed,
I know again what I can do—have done—
And I cannot contain this truth.
I will lay it in a small corner of my soul,
Cover it with fear and shame,
Stop searching for God.
It is a pity I have remembered again.
I was closer than I’ve ever been
To finally finding Him.
Eabhan Ní Shuileabháin is an Irish poet, born of an American father and Irish mother, who has lived as an outsider all her life in Ireland, Holland, America and Wales. She has had work published in a range of journals in Ireland, Britain, America, Europe and Australia.