Death Contemplation
Is it dangerous?
..a woman called Kathy asks..in an online forum,
then at 12: 56 AM..zendude..from Albuquerque,
replies..not if you do it right
..followed by a cheerful yellow emoji.
&because….some…mornings
when I am walking to work
in the mellow light,
the nutty autumn smell…in the air
as I pass a row of ginkgos,
magpies resting in the branches:
I contemplate a universe minus me,
tho it is not the wasting away
of the parts of my body,
the..impermanence..of me
that I..attempt to foresee,
but..it is..You…left behind—
bathed in a baroque light
that makes..you appear
both alive and permanent.
You are on the first floor
of a modest..but pleasant house.
There is an oak table
a chair…and a burgundy sofa,
outside I imagine a slight chill in the air
just to make the home seem more scrutable
I am trying to find a way
to arrive at..an..OK
for me to be gone.
It’s not as if I want to go,
for I cling with all my might:
I’d make any deal to stay here with you
through…just one more..day
another night,
I make a list:
…….• exercise,
…….• eat right,
…….• no more sugar
…….• or cholesterol:
of course, you never know,
as they say, your time
is your time: for now, I am
here with you together
on this bus as I notice
..how The mountain forms
a deep arc…opening to the south
so…passing…….through one tunnel
..the bus is momentarily
in the sunlight
..before it enters another tunnel
here where you make me happy
..like a weekend morning,
A familiar radio voice
..in the..background
..while I am working
on something I never intend
to proclaim is complete:
but the..mind of the universe
is a shuttered building
in the industrial district,
incomprehensible machines,
clattering inside,
the occupants……inattentative
to the lists I might leave behind,
&so…between
the tunnels
I try to reduce
my list to..what
can be
…..held….between
……………heart…beats
Ash Dean grew up in Ferguson Missouri. He is a graduate of The International Writing Program at City University of Hong Kong. His work has appeared in Cha, Drunken Boat, Gravel, Ma La, Mason’s Road, Soul-Litand Afterness: Literature from the New Transnational Asia. He is the author of Cardiography from Finishing Line Press. He lived in Suzhou, China for 6 years. He currently lives in Songdo, South Korea.
